Remember when Nightline did that awful “Face-Off” about the plight of the single Black woman back in 2009 featuring Hill Harper, Jacque Reid, Sherri Shepherd, Steve Harvey and the other guy whom I refuse to name? In one segment, Hill Harper told an anecdote about an established female attorney realizing the potential in a male suitor. Although she was higher up on the chain of command, this young man didn’t let her position, or his for that matter, prevent him from pursuing her. After turning him down a number of times she eventually gave in to one date. The rest is history. Literally. Harper’s narrative was the story of Michelle Robinson and Barack Obama. His point in telling the story was to suggest women date potential as Michelle once saw the potential in Barack.Sherri Shepherd immediately retorted by proving Harper’s logic was flawed. Yes, Michelle took a chance on Barack who was fresh out of law school while she was already an associate at the firm, but he had a law degree from Harvard. She wasn’t dating the type of potential who was riding the bus and working at Burger King. I was so happy Shepherd corrected Harper on his “dating potential” analogy.
But dating potential isn’t uncommon for women. It isn’t unusual for a woman to date a man who isn’t up-to-par of her standards.
Women will sometimes invest time and money to fix him up. Beyonce sang about upgrading men with her hit record “Upgrade U.” Bey sings:
Partner let me upgrade you
Audemars Piguet you
Switch your neck ties to purple labels
Upgrade you
Introduce you to some new things &
Upgrade you
I can (up),
Can I (up), let me
Upgrade you
The problem with upgrading a man is you rarely see a return on your investment. And what happens when the two of you break up? All the women he dates from henceforth will reap the rewards of the new man you helped create. Nothing about upgrading a man seems appealing.
However, is it a double standard when it comes to men taking women from rags to riches?
When Kanye West met former stripper, Amber Rose, he saw something he apparently liked. She literally went from the pole to music videos to front row seats in Paris for Fashion Week. Kanye loved Amber Rose, which is evident by the lyrics of “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.” Ultimately, Kanye changed her life forever by dating her and exposing her to his world- the world of fame, power and fortune. And now that the couple has split Kanye is arguably kicking himself for creating a star that is now publicly dating another rapper.
Men dating women who aren’t in the same tax bracket, who aren’t as educated or come from a lower class, is nothing new. It is no big deal when men do it. But a woman upgrading a man is frowned upon. Something to ponder.
Dating more than anything is about compatibility. If your man is not compatible on basic levels: values, class, intelligence or common interests, the relationship won’t last. When you are dating someone you are compatible with there shouldn’t be a need to essentially change him through an upgrading process.
Clearly Beyonce is not upgrading anyone as she is married to the most powerful man in hip-hop. It is one thing to date potential similar to the potential Michelle Obama once saw in Barack Obama, as long as women remember he came to the table already a degreed intellect with morals and ambition. It is quite another to date “potential” if you are an Account Executive at a PR firm dating a weed head with three children working at the local grocery store who has no goals past surviving day to day.
Personally, I’m not in the business of playing fixer-upper. Spending money on a man to upgrade his status in life sounds like an unfulfilling job I’ll gladly pass on. For the ladies upgrading brothers, don’t be salty when the relationship goes sour. Nobody told you to turn Steve Urkel into Stefan.
